


Bucket Lists & Good Life Choices

by The_Goblin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe, Crack, Dimension Travel, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-08-27 00:10:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16691608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Goblin/pseuds/The_Goblin
Summary: Tonight I opened Notepad and conjured up a few paragraphs of the dumbest story I've ever written. (This includes the story I wrote in 7th grade where the protagonist's name was Mapel, an intentional misspelling of Maple.) Writing and posting a fan fiction was on my bucket list. Something inside me said tonight was the night.And we all know that Obi-Wan, Anakin, and the Council only ever make good life choices.This is an absolute trash, self-insert fic. We begin by dumping me, The Goblin, armed with a keen dope-slapping hand, into the Council Chamber during the Clone Wars.(This story is on hiatus--it's being completely re-worked. I'll start updating when it's complete, which may take until the end of the year. Fear not, I shan't abide by the dearth of shitty self-insert fics on this here site.)





	1. Good Life Choices

**Author's Note:**

> I've read far more Star Wars fan fiction than is healthy, and for years dabbled in writing my own. Very serious works, of course, with well thought-out plots and sound character development. Nary a one ever completed. 
> 
> It is only fitting that my first published work is a cracky self-insert.

The Goblin had always been vehemently opposed to the likes of Ambien. They had no desire to wake at 2am in the midst of cooking spaghetti or taking a casual stroll. However, they couldn't deny their horrendous neurochemistry, and steps had to be taken if they didn't want to stay awake for three days. Sonata was the middle ground; enough to nudge them to sleep without wild side effects.

It had been a rough few days. A rough week? A rough few months. The normal dose of one capsule wasn't cutting it. After tossing and turning, taking a double dose, and still not falling asleep, they decided to get up. They _knew_ better. Once you take the meds, you're in bed. The Goblin learned that after defeating Vordt of the Boreal Valley, in online co-op no less, and retaining no memory of it. Unfortunately being stubborn and lying to oneself were two of the their strongest traits. So, naturally, opening their eyes in the Council Chamber didn't feel too far-fetched.

Conversation abruptly halted and all eyes turned to the figure kneeling seiza-style next to Plo-Koon's seat.

"Well," The Goblin said, "this certainly tops Vordt".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to comment if you find any grammatical or spelling errors.
> 
> One day I hope to look at this with the same fondness I have for Deviant Art posts circa 2008.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm sorry, come again?" a cultured, crisp voice asked.

  
Fueled by sleep deprivation and the questionable decision to have some give-a-fuck juice, (currently Coke Raspberry), to make it through that last hour of work, Gob replied,

  
"Don't worry about it, Kenobi."

 

Mace Windu looked exactly like Samuel L. Jackson about to ask "What?", as only he could. They suppressed a decidedly inappropriate giggle.

 

"Tell us you will, young one, how you came to be in this room." an all too familiar green troll said.

 

Gob nearly bit their tongue in an effort to not reply "Well, you're the Jedi, you tell me". Pulling their shoulders back and straightening their spine, Gob said,

 

"Master Yoda, I haven't the foggiest. In fact, I am fairly certain this is a drug-induced dream. And possible head injury from falling off a bunk ladder."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feel free to share any grammatical or spelling errors you find.


	3. Chapter 3

A "hmmm" was all that garnered out of Yoda.

 

"Man, is the force so kriffed on Coruscant that you couldn't even sense me here?"

 

Ki-Adi Mundi looked as if Gob had spit on his mother. "Ser, please refrain from using such language in the presence of the Council."

 

"But was I wrong?" Gob said, turning towards him.

 

It was then that they noticed Mace looking decidedly pained, and sporting a nose bleed.

 

"Er, sorry about that Master Windu. I'm going to guess that it's my doing."

 

Gob stiffly got to their feet, and not for the last time, was grateful that they had flopped into bed still dressed. They fished out a napkin from their back pocket as they walked around Koon's seat, and handed it to Mace. Stealing napkins from the dinner table did have its uses. 


	4. Chapter 4

Obi-Wan Kenobi looked at the being kneeling beside Plo's seat.

The humanoid, if not fully human, was pale and slight. They did look as if they had been resting, greasy gold-brown hair pulled back by an eye mask, despite the dark circles under their eyes. They weren't dressed for sleep, though. The soft, grey cowl neck tunic paired with black trousers didn't look like sleepwear in any system he'd visited. And if they used coarse language in the Council chamber? Well, Obi-Wan couldn't deny that he'd wanted to do the same at times. They were correct, the Force _was_ foggy on Coruscant.

Obi reached out to gently brush the being's mind and started. He couldn't sense anything, as if a droid stood in their place. Even nulls had a presence in the Force. He watched as they apologized to Mace, stood, and walked in front of his chair. Something shifted in his mind; how did they know about Mace's shatterpoints? That wasn't common knowledge outside the Order.

 

"Wait!" he called "Why do you think your presence has any relation to Master Windu's condition?"

 

They bobbed a short bow to Mace as he accepted the napkin and padded back to kneel beside Plo, bare feet echoing on the stone.

 

"I can guess that you can't sense me, with how tense you look, but it doesn't make me ignorant of the ways of the Force. Shatterpoints are an uncommon ability, and Master Windu is powerful."

 

If Ki-Adi would lower himself to snark, he would have. "You say you know of the Force, and indeed know of Master Windu's visions, but don't know that one stands in the center of the chamber when addressing the Council?"

 

Eyes narrowed to a glare, they looked toward Mundi again. "Begging your pardon Master, for not standing in a position where I can't see you all, and my back to the door. Or for not conflating the Force and the policies of the Order." 

 

Now _that_ didn't seem a civilian answer. It was also a tad heretical. 

  
Yoda's gimmer stick rapped on the stone. "Know us, you do. But know you, we do not." He said firmly

 

Cocking their head slightly and looking out the window, they replied "I suppose you can call me Gob, and I agree. I cannot say how I came to be here; the Force moves in mysterious ways. But it has brought me here for a reason."

 

"And what might that be?" Kid-Ai asked

 

"A warning." Gob and Mace replied at the same time.

 

A shiver ran down Obi's spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please share any grammatical or spelling errors you find :)


	5. Chapter 5

Gob, as they called themselves, pulled their shoulders back from the slump they'd slid into. Obi-wan's brow furrowed. They were clearly tired, exhausted even, though powering through it. Mace seemed to think that they had valuable information, so it would be worth hearing what they had to say.

  
"Perhaps we should break," he suggested, "I doubt the sharing of your...vision... will be short or easy."

  
When their visitor appeared the meeting had already been going on for hours, and he didn't even want to think about what time it was. Gob appeared immensely relieved.

  
"It would be wise to come fresh and ready." agreed Plo Koon, recognizing the diplomatic escape for what it was

  
Yoda tapped his stick "Adjourned, this meeting is. Tomorrow at the 9th hour, we return. Watch our guest, Obi-Wan will."

  
Oh yes, because any weird or unusual event was automatically Kenobi/Skywalker territory. Mentally, he rolled his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is actually still going? I somehow have 5 more chapters drafted? I suppose all things are possible in the Force.  
> Also yes I realize the dialogue formatting is a bit off in this chapter, but I'm being a lazy pos. Promise I'll pull out an English textbook before I post again.


	6. Chapter 6

The council thought they were from this galaxy. Well, why wouldn't they, Gob mused. They didn't look awfully out of place. Whatever the reason, it made their life easier. Given the current war, Gob was happy they weren't automatically thrown in the nearest cell. Obi-Wan's rooms were a much more attractive prospect.

The door opened into a small common area with a couch and caf table. To the left was a small kitchenette and a hall which probably led to the bedroom and fresher. Obi invited them to take advantage of the fresher while he commed the refectory.

"I'm sure Cody is proud of you, actually eating." they quipped before they could think. Internally, Gob was screamed at themselves. Who did they think they were? And what the hell was wrong with them?

"Well, yes," Obi-Wan started. He did a double take and gave them a queer look. "I look forward to what you'll share with the council tomorrow."

They promptly scooted off to the fresher, eager to escape their own impertinence. The invitation to get cleaned up took them by surprise, until they looked at themselves in the fresher mirror. Yikes, indeed. The black circles seemed worse than usual, and they still had their eye mask on their head. Way to make a first impression.

Gob fancied they could give Obi-Wan a run for his credits in the department of lies by omission. That wasn't the issue here. The issue was that they couldn't come up with a sufficiently detailed backstory. They also couldn't hide the fact that they had no idea how to use a sonic shower, which was just as awkward as it is on Earth, and every third thing was a new experience.

After pressing most every button the shower started. Water or no, it was a good time for introspection. Gob was a planner. They planned for every contingency they could imagine. In this situation, however, they were at a loss. The plan now wasn't much of a plan at all. They would do what they did best-- lie by omission but when it came down to it, tell the whole truth.

They expected to wake up at any moment, on the floor of their bedroom, and in quite a bit of discomfort. There was no sense in dwelling on things they couldn't change. It was too bad though, they thought with a wry smile, that X-Wings wouldn't be invented for another twenty years or so. At least showering without getting wet was exactly as awesome as expected.

***

Clean and dressed in a borrowed tunic and leggings, they joined Obi-Wan at the low caf table in the middle of the main room. There were two plates of a vegetable noodle dish set out.

"Thank you for suggesting a recess." Gob said, picking up a mystery vegetable with their grub sticks.

"We'd been meeting for two hours before you appeared. An escape was very welcome." he said.

Swallowing awkwardly, they said, "I apologize for my remark earlier, it wasn't appropriate."

Obi-Wan laughed, "Oh, it's quite alright. You haven't met my former padawan; he has quite the way with words. After training him, it takes more than an offhand comment to phase me."

Gob was rather familiar with Anakin's gift of putting his own foot in his mouth, so they simply smiled. "He sounds like a delight."

"He has grown into a fine Knight." Obi said warmly.

 

They ate the rest of their meal in companionable silence. Once the remains of, whatever meal this qualified as, were dumped in the recycler, Obi-Wan brought a pillow and blanket out to the couch.

"I am going to review a few reports before I turn in. I'll wake you before the meeting tomorrow." he said.

Sitting on the edge of the couch they asked,"Counselor, would you do me a great favor? Please hit me with a sleep suggestion. I know you cannot feel me in the Force, but I bet I'm still effected by it."

Aside from being a personal curiosity, Gob knew they probably wouldn't sleep without aid, no matter how tired they were. Obi-Wan paused for a moment, but something in their face must of convinced him. He softly placed his hand on their temple.

" **Sleep** " he said, and they knew no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day late but here it is!  
> TIL that Ao3 doesn't support tab indenting :)))))))))))) Which is part of formatting dialogue :))))))))))))))))))))  
> I've tried using the 'blockquote' HTML tag, but that didn't work, so I'm putting each new speaker on their own line for now.  
> Any feedback is welcome. <3


	7. Chapter 7

It was utterly silent except for the hum of omnipresent traffic.

They opened their eyes to light streaming through the half-open blinds. Their mind was clear and they felt more well-rested than they had in weeks. This was a good thing; they would need all their wits in the coming hours. Luck, (the will of the Force, a small voice whispered), had granted them a reprieve to gather their thoughts. What should they share?

It wasn't as if they hadn't spent extensive time thinking on this exact situation. They'd never come to a conclusion, though. Palpatine needed to die, of that much they were sure. However, while Palpy's death would prevent slavery, genocide, and the rise of a dictatorship, it wouldn't solve the heart of the issue.

The thing about fascist tyrants is that there's always a grain of truth in their vitriol. The Republic was bloated and corrupt. The Jedi order had long since strayed from the Force. Yet they could not be complicit in the slaughter of the Jedi and rise of the Empire. For all the good the Empire did, they perpetrated evil twofold.

Change has never laid in cold facts or statistics. Change lies in the hearts of men. What great fortune that Anakin Skywalker was a walking ball of emotion, and for all his serene veneer, Obi-Wan cared deeply. They needed to strike at the hearts of the Council.

Gob gathered the blanket around their shoulders like an oversized cloak and shuffled to the window. As they peeked out onto the expanse of Coruscant, the door chimed and swooshed open.

There he was, gangly limbs and all, the boy who would become Vader. Their heart wrenched. Poor stupid bastard never stood a chance. The story of Anakin Skwalker was truly a tragedy, no matter what anyone said about the prequels. Some might say the prequels themselves were a tragedy, but that was discourse for another day.

Clearly he wasn't expecting a stranger in his former master's rooms.

With characteristic grace, he asked "Uhh have you seen Obi-Wan?"

"Sorry Ani, I don't know where he's gone to." Gob replied.

That got his attention. He quickly crossed the room to tower over Gob. "And who are you?" He asked, voice cold.

They didn't turn to him and continued staring out the window.

"The Jedi are wrong." Gob's face twisted "They are also hypocrites."

"How are you supposed to be compassionate without love? How are you supposed to be a _healthy_ , functional human without attachments?  They are not evil. When you can't put aside attachments to do your duty, that's when it becomes a problem."

They stuck a hand out of their blanket-cape, gesturing vaguely.

"Look, what I'm trying to say here is that you can both be a good husband and a good Jedi. Loving you padawan to the ends of the universe doesn't preclude being a good teacher. Love until the suns burn out and you'll be be no less of a Knight."

Crossing his arms and looking down at the floor, Anakin muttered, "Yeah well you might be the only one who thinks that."

  
Without thinking, Gob turned to him, and gently reached up to hold his face in their hands. He flinched. Looking directly into his eyes they said "Ani, he is your brother, he loves you. Kriff the Code, kriff the Council. Trust him."

What Anakin heard was "You were my brother, I loved you."

  
The door opened and Obi-Wan walked in. "I'm sorry, have I interrupted something?" he asked.

"Oh not at all, Master Kenobi. Knight Skywalker came here to speak with you. Perhaps Master Windu could supervise me until the Council reconvenes?"

Anakin looked like he'd been clotheslined by a speeder. Obi-Wan plastered his Negotiator face on.

"Certainly, let me comm for someone to guide you." he said.

"Tense" would be an apt word to describe the environment as they waited for a knight to arrive at Obi-Wan's quarters. Well, tense for the two Jedi. Gob didn't have a secret marriage, hadn't massacred a village, or routinely suppressed their emotions. Nope, they'd spend years of therapy and self-reflection to get out of that habit.

The door chimed. Gob picked the blanket up off the ground, folding it somewhat neatly and handing it to Obi-Wan.

They gave a short bow. "Thank you for your hospitality, Master Kenobi." they said, and walked to the door.

 

Appealing to the hearts of men was a good way to encourage change. A little assassination didn't hurt either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I had this chapter 95% written for the past two days, but I got caught up in planning where the story was going to go. Suppose you can't get so caught up in the big picture that it freezes you.
> 
> ALSO were you aware that Lay (to place an object down), Lie (reflexive, done to oneself), and Lie (to tell a falsehood) are three distinct verbs and the English language is stupid? :D

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to comment if you find any grammatical or spelling errors.
> 
> One day I hope to look at this with the same fondness I have for Deviant Art posts circa 2008.


End file.
